 |
abdlstoryforum.myfastforum.org For the posting and critique of stories of this genre, as well as general interaction of the community
|
| View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
Dolphins2011 Pre-schooler

 Age: 15 Male
Joined: 14 Dec 2007 Posts: 538 Karma: 0 Add Karma
|
Posted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 6:13 am Post subject: IzzyPart 1 |
|
|
Well I decided to take another shot at writing. Sorry you have the misfortune of reading this. Well here we go.
PART 1
Once again I found myself sleeping in my honors European history class. The teacher is so boring and I know most of the shit he teaches anyway. What’s the point? Maybe I should back up a bit. My name is Patrick Hester, I’m 17, and I’m a senior in high school at Grapevine High School in Grapevine, Florida. (fake city and fake school for anyone who cares) It’s a pretty boring town and I’d say I live a pretty boring life. Well it wasn’t boring once I got woken up by the ooohs and aaahs that I heard.
“Class, this is Isabelle Newman, she just moved here, and she’ll be joining us,” said the teacher in his dull monotone voice. Anyway, Isabelle stood in front of the class with a nervous look, obviously being fairly shy. She had mid-length light brown hair with rich brown eyes, and she couldn’t have been an inch taller than 5’3”. Her breasts were pretty small, but I couldn’t help but notice her large butt, it was pretty cute I thought. Other than that, she had a slight acne problem and she was very skinny, not like anorexic of anything, but you know what I mean. Anyway, she found her way to an empty desk in the back of the classroom, putting her head down as the class stared at the new kid.
After catching some more z’s the bell rang for lunch, and everyone made a mad dash to get out of class and eat. I sat down with my usual group of friends, and we talked about pointless crap. Isabelle sat alone at a table nearby us.
“Hey guys check out the new girl, she looks like a real winner,” my friend David joked.
“Yeah, ha she’s all alone,” added another friend, Peter. My friends are real jerks sometimes.
“Hey shut up guys, it can’t be easy being the new kid,” I defended.
“Oh well if you like her so much why don’t you go ask her out?” one of my friends jeered, “You haven’t had a girl since freshman year.” It is true, I’ve always been pretty crappy with girls. Isabelle did look pretty lonely and she was kinda cute in my opinion.
“Maybe I will,” I said as I got up and walked over to her table.
“Oooooooooh Pat’s gonna try to score,” David yelled as I left. I heard my friends chanting my name. I gave them a look telling them to shut the hell up. No more chanting.
“Hey,” I said. She looked up from the lunch she was eating. It was basically just a home-packed assortment of fruits and vegetables.
“Hi,” she said in a soft, shy voice, obviously scared to meet new people.
“My name’s Patrick,”
“Nice to meet you,” she said in the same voice as before. Then she got a worried look on her face, and he picked up her purse as she started to leave.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“Um nothing, I just have to go,” she cried, as she ran out of the cafeteria. I reluctantly picked up my tray and rejoined my “friends”.
“Struck out again,” they all laughed at me.
The next day in history, I was actually awake.
“You are going to be doing a project on Europe’s history…” I tuned out of the lecture and turned on my Ipod. After a couple songs, the teacher announced we would be paired with a partner. I got paired with Isabella, but I’m pretty sure you could have figured that out by yourself. The rest of class was uneventful, so after class I went up to Isabelle and asked her to come over so we could work on our project.
“Um, ok I’ll come over to your house tomorrow after school. Can I have your address?” I wrote it down on a sheet of paper I had and handed it to her. “Thank you,” she said in her usual soft voice, and she ran away, wanting to be alone I guess.
The next day a couple hours after school she showed up at my house in her car.
“Hi,”
“Hey come inside,” I invited. She fallowed me inside, and we went into my room.
“Oh you like Coheed too?” she exclaimed noticing a Coheed and Cambria poster I had on my wall. For the first time, I saw her smile.
“Yeah they’re my favorite band, I know all their songs on guitar. Do you want to hear me play?” Her face lit up.
“I’d love to!” she exclaimed. I pulled out my acoustic guitar and played Welcome Home for her. I ended up playing several songs. I’m not much of a singer so I didn’t sing, but she sang parts of some songs. My guitar was flawless. Before we knew it 2 hours had passed of us just sitting there, her listening to my guitar.
“You’re amazing,” she awed.
“Thanks, I’ve been playing since 5th grade.” I replied.
“Well I’m sorry we didn’t get any work done, but I had a wonderful time,”
“Hey no problem, we can get it done tomorrow if that’s ok.”
“Tomorrow is fine,” she replied, “But I really have to go now.” I led her out, staring at her large butt, something seemed kinda funny about it, but damn she was cute. She got into her car and waved at me, and then drove off. For the first time in my life, there was a girl that I couldn’t wait to see tomorrow.
The next day at lunch I heard a voice. “Hey Patrick, come sit with me!” It was Isabelle. She was more fun than my annoying friends, so I brought my tray over, and sat with her.
“What’s up Isabelle?”
“Not much, and stop calling me Isabelle, I hate that name. Call me Izzy.”
“Ok,” I laughed. She was actually happy today. We talked about my guitar playing, and she asked me to teach her to play sometime. Also, we made plans to work on that project out piece of crap teacher gave us. She was so much fun to talk to now, so lively and happy. Then after 20 minutes, she brought back that worried look.
“Hey I have to go,” she got up, gathered her things, and ran off.
“Wait…” I tried to stop her, but she was gone. I couldn’t help but notice a small wet spot on the back of her pants. I guess she sat in something. Oh well. Unfortunately, this meant I was forced to go sit with my friends.
“Well well well, Pat you gonna fuck that new chick?”
“Shut up David, she’s actually pretty nice, knock it off,”
“Yeah yeah, whatever, stop taking things so seriously,” he replied back. Then we proceeded to have more pointless conversation. Fun.
Isabelle, well Izzy came over again and we finally got some work done, but it was obvious both of us were distracted by eachother. I decided I was going to ask her out.
“Hey Izzy you doing anything Friday?”
“No, why?”
“Well I was wondering if you wanted to catch a movie,” I started shaking, as I hadn’t asked a girl out in over 2 years. I don’t think she noticed though. Her smile beamed.
“I’d love to!” She smiled the biggest I have seen her yet.
“Great, I’ll call you later, and we’ll figure things out,”
“Ok, well I have to go,”
“I’ll walk you out,” I led her out to her car, and we hugged, and then she 10 seconds later she was out of view. I couldn’t wait for Friday.
_________________ 15 year old
GO DOLPHINS!!!! |
|
| Back to top |
|
 |
soxfan08 Baby

Joined: 31 Dec 2007 Posts: 102 Karma: 8 Add Karma
|
Posted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 6:24 am Post subject: |
|
|
| I liked it. A little predictable, but pretty good. I'm excited for more and welcome back. |
|
| Back to top |
|
 |
someguy Baby
 The Duke of Chlamydia
 Age: 21 Male
Joined: 02 Jan 2008 Posts: 122 Karma: 0 Add Karma Location: Ireland
|
Posted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 8:58 am Post subject: |
|
|
Ok I hate it, and heres why. Coheed and Cambria, please pick a manlier band, wait they're not a band, what they do aint music its noise.
Seriously tho, its got good potential, i think you need to work on your characters a bit, i dont know im just not feeling it for the main character, i cant put my finger on it tho _________________ A pigs and an Elephants DNA just wont mix- Lover Boy |
|
| Back to top |
|
 |
Dolphins2011 Pre-schooler

 Age: 15 Male
Joined: 14 Dec 2007 Posts: 538 Karma: 0 Add Karma
|
Posted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 11:06 am Post subject: |
|
|
| someguy wrote: | Ok I hate it, and heres why. Coheed and Cambria, please pick a manlier band, wait they're not a band, what they do aint music its noise.
Seriously tho, its got good potential, i think you need to work on your characters a bit, i dont know im just not feeling it for the main character, i cant put my finger on it tho |
Well I was going to use Incubus, but their guitar isn't as good as Coheed's so I had to make the switch. _________________ 15 year old
GO DOLPHINS!!!! |
|
| Back to top |
|
 |
someguy Baby
 The Duke of Chlamydia
 Age: 21 Male
Joined: 02 Jan 2008 Posts: 122 Karma: 0 Add Karma Location: Ireland
|
Posted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 4:59 pm Post subject: |
|
|
wow incubus must be terrible.
When is the next part coming out, i grow impatient waiting for it  _________________ A pigs and an Elephants DNA just wont mix- Lover Boy |
|
| Back to top |
|
 |
Dolphins2011 Pre-schooler

 Age: 15 Male
Joined: 14 Dec 2007 Posts: 538 Karma: 0 Add Karma
|
Posted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 7:48 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| someguy wrote: | wow incubus must be terrible.
When is the next part coming out, i grow impatient waiting for it  |
Dude no. Incubus is incredible. They're not known for their guitar, while their guitar is decent, they're mostly known for the singing and their DJ system, yes they have a DJ in their band. They kick ass, go listen to them. Now Coheed I don't care as much about so you can diss them. Yes, the singer sounds like a girl, I'll admit it. I only used Coheed because they were the 2nd band that I thought of and they actually have good guitar that's fun to play.
And Idk I guess I'm gonna work on it some more. I could of posted another part last night, but then some nerds would of gotten all pissed off because it wasn't long enough. So I'll get started on continuing from my last part. I think you'll like where I'm going. _________________ 15 year old
GO DOLPHINS!!!! |
|
| Back to top |
|
 |
Nemo 1,000 Post Golden Diaper Club
 The Devil's Advocate/Polemicist Extraordinaire
 Age: 19 Boy
Joined: 18 Dec 2007 Posts: 1686 Karma: 7 Add Karma
|
Posted: Wed Jul 30, 2008 12:45 am Post subject: |
|
|
Incubus peaked with Make Yourself.
Listen to the Maccabees.
I'll check out chapter two. _________________
 |
|
| Back to top |
|
 |
Lisabeth Newborn

Joined: 20 Feb 2008 Posts: 27 Karma: 0 Add Karma
|
Posted: Wed Jul 30, 2008 8:10 am Post subject: Re: IzzyPart 1 |
|
|
| Dolphins2011 wrote: | | (fake city and fake school for anyone who cares) |
STOP BREAKING THROUGH THE 4TH WALL! |
|
| Back to top |
|
 |
Lin Toddler

Joined: 20 Dec 2007 Posts: 480 Karma: 7 Add Karma
|
Posted: Wed Jul 30, 2008 9:35 am Post subject: |
|
|
Not bad... not bad at all!
You run into a snag, here and there, on verb/subject and tense agreement, but the story in its own right has a nice flow to it. The mistakes are not too heavy and don't get in the way of the story at all, so kudos! Plus, I, for one, like Coheed so there're some brownie points for you too.  _________________ Glub glub glub. >_> |
|
| Back to top |
|
 |
Nemo 1,000 Post Golden Diaper Club
 The Devil's Advocate/Polemicist Extraordinaire
 Age: 19 Boy
Joined: 18 Dec 2007 Posts: 1686 Karma: 7 Add Karma
|
Posted: Wed Jul 30, 2008 10:40 pm Post subject: Re: IzzyPart 1 |
|
|
| Lisabeth wrote: | | Dolphins2011 wrote: | | (fake city and fake school for anyone who cares) |
STOP BREAKING THROUGH THE 4TH WALL! |
Why? He can if he wants... _________________
 |
|
| Back to top |
|
 |
Charles34 Baby


Joined: 02 Jan 2008 Posts: 57 Karma: 0 Add Karma
|
Posted: Thu Jul 31, 2008 8:52 am Post subject: Re: IzzyPart 1 |
|
|
| Lisabeth wrote: | | Dolphins2011 wrote: | | (fake city and fake school for anyone who cares) |
STOP BREAKING THROUGH THE 4TH WALL! |
WHY ARE WE YELLING?! _________________ Yellow matter custard, dripping from a dead dog's eye. Crabalocker fishwife, pornographic priestess, Boy, you been a naughty girl you let your knickers down.
I am the eggman, they are the eggmen.
I am the walrus, goo goo g'joob. |
|
| Back to top |
|
 |
Spokane Girl Toddler

 Age: 23 female
Joined: 02 Jan 2008 Posts: 251 Karma: 0 Add Karma Location: The Benny & Joon town (I wish)
|
Posted: Mon Aug 04, 2008 8:56 am Post subject: Re: IzzyPart 1 |
|
|
| Lisabeth wrote: | | Dolphins2011 wrote: | | (fake city and fake school for anyone who cares) |
STOP BREAKING THROUGH THE 4TH WALL! |
What? I have never heard that term before. _________________

"When a boat runs ashore, the sea has spoken," Mrs. smail from Benny & Joon. |
|
| Back to top |
|
 |
Nemo 1,000 Post Golden Diaper Club
 The Devil's Advocate/Polemicist Extraordinaire
 Age: 19 Boy
Joined: 18 Dec 2007 Posts: 1686 Karma: 7 Add Karma
|
Posted: Tue Aug 05, 2008 1:58 am Post subject: |
|
|
Wikipedia it. _________________
 |
|
| Back to top |
|
 |
jay-dl Crawler

 Age: 17 Male
Joined: 18 Jun 2008 Posts: 153 Karma: 0 Add Karma Location: midlands UK
|
Posted: Tue Aug 05, 2008 3:32 am Post subject: |
|
|
you asume everything in fiction is real within context but know it isn't real in life eg.. you know the charactors in plays like cinderella are fictional in a book and are real in context (this is the forth wall a barier between fiction and life) but when this is stansformed to stage the audience is interacted with ("he's behind you" is often said in many local stage productions of well known stories hence bridging reality and fiction) is breaking the boundry so you asume the school is real in context but you can never actually find it because it's a work of fiction stopping the story to tell this breaks the wall _________________ Jay-DL
find more of my work here including pre-releases and exclusives to friends |
|
| Back to top |
|
 |
|
|
You cannot post new topics in this forum You cannot reply to topics in this forum You cannot edit your posts in this forum You cannot delete your posts in this forum You cannot vote in polls in this forum
|
|